"I carry no shame and speak openly about addiction as it is very real for me in other aspects of my life. I never thought sobriety could give me life."
“Wanna drink? My answer was always an unwavering YES. Didn’t matter what day of the week , time of year or time of day. I was game. Starting at the age of 15 I partied hard but still managed to function - stayed in school, ballet, babysat etc. After HS I entered the drug scene and gambled with my life a bit. Somehow I made it out of several situations alive.
It wasn’t until I moved when I was 22 that I really isolated myself and began drinking alone - my friends were no longer near by - I lived with my then boyfriend , now ex husband. And thought the freedom of living on my own included excessive drinking. That’s what adults did right? We soon got married, had a son, then a daughter. I nursed them - sober - ran a daycare in my house and as the years continued to pass so did the amount of alcohol that entered my system . My anxiety fed off my hangovers which then led to more drinking the following night . I drank beer , wine and then... vodka.
My then husband would often ask “ How much did you have to drink ?” With a look of disgust and confusion on his face ... “just this beer ...” I’d say holding it up with a smirk. Never mentioning the vodka I guzzled before he walked in the door. Beer became my chaser . In my own twisted alcohol infused brain I thought , well , if I just drink vodka every night then my drunkenness will become the new norm and maybe he won’t ask me that anymore. So that’s what I did. The smuggling of alcohol into my home became my obsession. I knew where to get it when no one was around, how get it into the house and under the wine cart inconspicuously and I could dispose of any evidence via the dumpster we had in the yard. Ya, we don’t recycle - terrible I know! This dance went on for a few years - as my tolerance grew so did the collection of Absolute bottles. In May of 2015 I became pregnant with my other daughter. I again remained sober for the pregnancy and nursing but this time it was harder and I was angry about it. The need to feed my addiction was building inside me like a title wave and it took over. In November 2016 my husband was let in on what was happening one night since I was so drunk I couldn’t talk myself out of the trouble I was about to face. So I cried, showed him my stash and swore I would not drink for 40 days . I signed up for Hip Sobriety’s 40 day Mantra and little did I know that would end up saving me. Holly... My hero.
I made it the 40 days - maybe even 50 and then convinced my husband I was ok. I can drink beer. One or 2. Totally fine. Piece of cake. Well it wasn’t . It tore me up. I was angry and sober and piled high with anxiety and depression. I fucking needed alcohol I convinced myself. It’s a part of me . I justified drinking vodka , again. This window of time February- April was a blur of sneaky purchases , smuggling and drinking a lot, very quickly. My last drink was an entire 750ml bottle of vodka that I put in Poland springs water bottles. I drank it in about 6 hours. My husband chased me around the house , asking how much I drank and where it was hidden . I finally caved and collapsed on the kitchen floor into a puddle of my own tears and helplessness. I kept saying “ it hurts so much , please help me” ...that was the last time I drank.
Getting sober was the hardest thing I never wanted to do. I had a relationship with alcohol and it was suddenly gone. I mourned . I grieved . I was a mess...
My soon to be ex-husband called my doctor the next day and we found an addiction counselor for me immediately . He also quit drinking which was something he did not have to do. I’m forever grateful that he did that for me. I couldn’t have done it alone.
Other sobriety tools that got me through were therapy , AA, reading blog after blog from Holly Whitaker and then finding the amazing Sober Community on IG. My sober fam there is magical.
Today I am 17 months Sober and it is my fucking super power. I carry no shame and speak openly about addiction as it is very real for me in other aspects of my life. I never thought sobriety could give me life . It’s a gift that I never take for granted. I wake up every day with a sense clarity I never had a hold of before. Some days are still really hard . Terrible and frightening . But I know what the other side looks like and I will never go back. The sober empire I have created for myself blows my own mind. And that brings me endless amounts of joy that only I can create.”