"I came home. Stayed clean and sober for less than a year, met a guy, moved in with him and things got messy. Well....I was still messy on the inside . All I did was take the drug away. I never dealt with the REAL SHIT. So it was ALL going to come out eventually. It always does right? "
"I grew up feeling depressed, isolated and less than. I was bullied in school and didn't know how to stick up for myself, nor did I feel brave enough to, which affected my self esteem. My parents divorced when I was young & my mother spent a lot of time trying to over compensate sticking me in every extracurricular activity she could. So I quickly learned how to shove my pain aside and keep going and act like I was "fine".... when I never was. My real father was a drug addict and in and out of jail. I starting having suicidal thoughts around junior high. My mom shoved me in church and just tried casting demons out of me and sending me off to church camps. I became angry & more suicidal.... confused. It was all very painful.
Fast forward a bit to my 20's...I got pregnant with my first child. I was alone. I was broke. I started partying and was introduced to Vicodin by a doctor. It relieved me of the emotional turmoil i was in. All of the trauma . The hate. The resentment. The depression. The confusion. The low self- esteem......ALL of it..... and I was able to not feel for how every long that drug kept me high. And then he prescribed me Oxy. And then I almost died & my parents paid to sent me to some nice rehab in Los Angeles and I detoxed for about 60 days. Of course it was all the doctors fault though right?
I came home. Stayed clean and sober for less than a year, met a guy, moved in with him and things got messy. Well....I was still messy on the inside . All I did was take the drug away. I never dealt with the REAL SHIT. So it was ALL going to come out eventually. It always does right? Deal with your shit, or your shit deals with you, and that's just what started to happen. Well, i ended up getting pregnant ......with twins. I basically never stayed clean or sober. I continued to dabble a little here.....dabble a little there.....whether it was me trying to justify getting a script from a doctor for something or actually going to buy from a dealer.
After I had my girls.... I actually was just so delusional i started stealing, from people that i loved. My rock bottom was pretty nasty . I went down hard and fast. My boyfriend found out that I was using, and kicked me out. I was arrested on August 31st 2016 and they charged me with 5 maybe 6 felonies. All theft charges. I stayed 5 days in Fresno County & have never been so scared in my life. However, I truly believe that was the intervention I needed that saved my life. I heard God in there. I know i did. .... and it changed my life. It's the reason behind what i do today. It's why I am the mother I am. It's why I get up and make my bed every day & if I'm feeling depressed .... I don't lay there and just give up , I FIGHT like a mother fucker..... I thought i was going to die. I truly did. I was detoxing from suboxone in jail....and so they put me in a cell with a heroin addict who had been using her whole life- and I had an officer look at me and tell me "if you don't get it together , you're going to end up just like her " ...... and i knew that was God, I was scared to death and I thought my cell mate was going to kill me, and I also had some very severe lows emotionally I thought I was going to kill myself .... because I didn't know if I was going to get out of there.
They dropped they charges to misdemeanors and sent me to a 90 day program where I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous . After rehab I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and worked with a sponsor. I then did another 90 meetings in 90 days. Since then I have continued to go to 3 meetings a week . I've had a service position..... I chair meetings & I work the steps. Right now I am finishing step 12 in the NA work book. August 31st I will have 3 years clean and sober where I have abstained from drugs and alcohol. I also was just able to quit cigarettes ....finally.
Also, I forgot to mention in this story that I lost custody of all 3 of my children. I didn't have a home. A car. A job. Money. Friends. Family. Nothing. I was broke on the inside and broke on the outside. and i just wanted to die. If i didn't have children i know for a fact i would have taken my life. Mentally - I was there.
It is ONLY because of the program of NA & AA that has given me life again and has taught me how to believe in myself, how to fight for myself. how to jump back in the arena of life and be able to face the shit with boldness. I was able to buy a car in my first year of recovery . I was able to move into my own apartment. I've been able to re-establish clients who trust me. I work at a big, beautiful salon in Clovis and I have the keys where I'm able to open and close the salon, and 3 years ago I could have potentially been sent to prison for major burglary and theft charges. This is MAJOR SHIT! My family loves me and wants to be around me, I have so many loving and beautiful relationships that are deep and meaningful that I am so grateful for. I've had to BATTLE in court to get my son back in my life, it has been difficult......but I have him and my daughter's back in my custody.
My life is not perfect. but it is full - and I am grateful . especially as I am about to reflect on this upcoming birthday . Thank you for taking the time to read this."